The Lion King - Circle Of Life

On my 24th Birthday it seems appropriate to play a song which sums

up my life.

This is the first film we took my little sister to see as a wee nipper.

She cried. Quite understandably, I cry still when Mostafa has his life

ripped away from him. It taught us a cruel lesson in the value of life,

that we must never run into elephant graveyards as naievely as Simba

and Nala- especially not without a hornbill by your side.

The "Circle of Life " has got me into quite a lot of trouble during my

lifetime. When I throw myself into some tomfoolery like tobogganing

in the dark or going to the snowpark I hear the "Ahhh Savenya" and it

creates an epic soundtrack which gives me the boost of courage to

commit to such stupid acts.

It also has entered the thought into my mind that the Lion King style of

christening isn't used often enough in Modern Day Society, and I am most

keen to flare up this trend yet again. By using any means possible:the garden

shed, a balcony, bannisters, mezzanine levels, the kitchen table,a restaurant

table, a car roof, an office desk, the top floor of a bus (to name just a few): would

provide you with the perfect plateau of which to declare your child to the world

for the first time. Coin this with a boombox (portable if needs be, or a car stereo

if opting for the car roof) to play Circle of Life at a level deemed unsafe and worthy

of an ASBO, are all that would be required to re-enact the greatest christening that

the world has ever seen.

With a few minor adjustments and the provision of make up (I recommend E.L.C

for sensitive skin) and a few feathers you can capture the faces of animals smiling

from the crowd.

It is neither expensive nor complicated YET no one is keen.

Why?

I understand that Health and Safety requirements would need to be met but that nothing

that a couple of mattresses on the ground beneath the potential dropping area shouldn't

eradicate.

23 and 11 twelfths.

 

Tomorrow I shall be turning 24 and it has spurred me on to have an annual review of being 23.

I begun the year in the way that I wish every year could, on skis and provided with beer and brownies. It was a good indication of how my year would pan out. It has ended with an interview for a company that I desperately want to work for. So all in all, not a bad conclusion to my year.

If my year had been a salad then it would come bursting full of the following:

Snow, Sand, Pancakes, Elves, Noodles, Airplanes, Passports, Sunsets, Austrians, Swiss, French, Scottish, Italians, Irish, Finnish, English, Thai, Australians, Tigers, Elephants, Unidentified insects, toboggans, coaches, tears, suitcases, thermals, bikinis, sun lotion, anti biotics, coffee, C.Vs, cars, boats, skidoos, skis, snorkels, trains, feet-nibbling-fish, new friends, old friends, family, strangers, kittens, thieves, cameras, fires, beer, weddings and flowers.

This would be topped off with a healthy drizzling of laughter, the one thing which has got me through every part of my year. So for everyone who has been there during times of humour and mischief, THANKYOU! (Laplandians and Barnetians I have you to blame- may the stories never reach my parents!).

St Anton, Austria

Pas-De-Calais, France

Cisternino, Italy

Lower Largo, Scotland

Le Touquet, France

London

Saariselka, Finland

Ao Nang, Thailand

Killarney, Ireland

Reading, England

He’s only frightened because he’s not used to being out of a flock

 

An important life lesson is when you learn to never say things you do not mean.

The photo above is of a sheep inside the 4* chalet I was working in, in St Anton Austria. And no it is not the extravagant accessory of a fur loving wag or some impressively realistic fancy dress outfit. This is a genuine, authentic, 100% mountain dwelling Austrian Sheep.

                     I made a passing comment to our guests (who was I to know they were all farmers) that I had been wanting to borrow a sheep from the shed across the road to put onto the balcony of my manager. I thought it was possible to orchestrate one of the greatest seasonal practical jokes of all time. I had also been joking-knowing full well that the only way into the shed was through a tiny window (no more than 2ft x 2ft) six foot from the floor, and that the trouble caused by it would be not worth the comedy value.

When the guests asked where the shed was, I thought very little about putting my boots on to show them. What I had not anticipated is that the guys would form a human pyramid to assist the entry into the sheep shed. By this point I was yelling quite a lot “ I was joking!! Let’s stop this and go back! Please, please don’t!" It was pointless so I returned to the chalet.

This is not something I am proud of, but it is part of my past and I have learnt from it, I had become the instigator of the temporary removal and repatriation of livestock.

I had not anticipated that they would catch one of the woolly critters and post him through the window to freedom. They carried the terrified little mite down the icy road to the chalet, entered the key code, buzzed in, and proceeded to carry him up the stairs to the luxury living room. Huddled in  a corner the sheep had no idea what had happened, but I was reassured that “he only looks frightened because he’s not used to being out of the flock”…in addition to the fact he has never seen a leather suite and plasma screen of this scale.

During his moment of fear he had let go of his bladder control and urinated up the stairs and through the living room. I couldn’t complain, with no form of social conditioning this sheep would have no idea about the correct chalet etiquette.  I would go as far as to say the sheep behaved with more class and composure than most of our guests (adults who cannot be bothered to go to a toilet during the night and have no qualms about using the bed as a urinal, and children who urinate into the sauna water bucket…to make an example of just a few).

After photos were taken I demanded that he was to be returned, alive and safe, to his flock. Being farmers they did reiterate that they were more than competent in humanely catching animals. And they did, he was returned to the shed, with little more than an amazing story for his companions (perfect for whiling away the cold winter nights).

The following day we were told by our manager that guests in another chalet had been causing a nuisance by stealing road signs and causing general havoc. This gave me the perfect opportunity to question company protocol on guest behaviour,

“That’s just terrible Heike, imagine, stealing whilst on holiday…Actually, I did want to ask, just out of curiosity, what is the procedure for animals inside the chalet”

Raised eyebrows

“Like ….farm animals?”

She laughs a little and I can tell that she thinks I am joking.

“Sheep. In the living room. What if there had been sheep inside the chalet.”

She replies “How? Why? When?”. Pretty standard questions for a manager who has just been told that there has been farmyard scene recreated inside one of the chalets.

“Heike, there are pictures, would this help?”

She nods.

At this point I am slightly concerned that the photos may become used against me a later stage but I am confident that our chalet is going to have a reputation above and beyond that of the conventional sign stealing.

We cannot thank you enough. No really.

My entry today is a letter of gratitude to the owner of the Lamai Chalet Resort in Koh Samui

Dearest Pumpui , (his nickname translates quite aptly to “Fatty”- we have some more suggestions for nicknames should he ever want a new one)

I really felt as though I never really expressed my gratitude following our stay in the Lamai Chalet Resort. The charming beach huts, fully equipped with beds (admittedly, one was a mattress on the floor) and a functioning bathroom.We really were thrilled to see that you were kind enough to supply us with a roof as well

The kind advice of your colleague to walk alongside a dual carriage to get the quintessentially whorish resort of Lamai was most appreciated. Having to jump  onto walls and lampposts every time an overweight westerner swoops round the corner on a moped is exactly the kind of adrenaline boosting activity we had been hoping for.

“Located near the Hin Yai Grandfather stone and five minutes to walk into the centre of Lamai, on an wide golden sand Beach. Enjoy the idyllic Panorama and swimming is recommended here as well ! Pumpui Manager of Lamai Chalet will help You for any You need.Holiday begins here without trouble !”

http://www.lamai-chalets.com

Now that wide, golden sand beach- well it was stunning, with the dirty syringes and sewage outlet pipes and the warm aroma of eau de toilet it was more than we had expected.  When I go on a beach holiday I love the thrill of a riptide in the sea, it really is ideal for drowning (which after the first night in our cabin I did try) your worries (had you not been quite so rotund we would have tried gently encouraging you in for a dip). I thought it was a novel idea to decorate the area around the hammock with empty whisky bottles, the light bouncing off the glass really does enhance an all-round tan, genius!

Just when we thought it could not get any better we notice the little extras that you so kindly added to our room, they really did give us a more comfortable night sleep. We just wondered what they were, with two heads and a strong desire to sleep in a bed, we could not identify the little creatures. Initially we were concerned about these unidentifiable insects all over our bed (these were in addition to the black jumping bugs) but we knew that you would be sure to take care of the situation, with yourself being such a fine representation for the Lamai ex-pat population. We were pleased that you could reassure us “ I don’t know what they are, but they won’t hurt you”. What a relief! They won’t hurt us, whatever they may be. And what’s that you say? Ah yes you will get someone to clean the room! Brilliant.

                  Do thank the maids for cleaning our room, we were relieved that when we returned later in the day the insects had rallied their friends for a slumber party on our beds. I may sound like a selfish prude but I don’t care whether these bugs have teeth of cheese or teeth of a piranha I DO NOT WANT THEM IN MY BED! We are still bewildered as to what they are, so I have posted a photo below for you keen insectologists to study.

I am just glad that you were there to solve any problems. Like when my friend asked about changing our transport to a train or plane and you confidently reassured us that we would be going on one VIP bus to Bangkok and that it would be safe and efficient. Two buses, a minibus and a boat later and we arrived in Bangkok more-or-less in one piece. We arrived but some of our possessions did not. We would like you to pass on our gratitude to the diligent coach drivers who went above and beyond the call of duty by working throughout the night in the cramped conditions of the luggage compartment to rummage through our bags. I hope he enjoyed searching through the bag full of sanitary items to find my debit card, and he enjoyed spending the 60,000 Thai Baht (£1500) even more. Consider it a little gift from me to him. From the three of us I do hope he makes good use of the credit card, debit card, bag, jumper,belt and knickers which were so thoughtfully removed from our locked luggage.

 

 

We really ought to have known better when the Lonely Planet guide suggests the Tesco Lotus as the best place for food in Lamai- a perfect indication of the class of resort we found ourselves in.

Thank goodness for the cultural highlights that Lamai has to offer, the Grandfather rock provided us with the only memorable experience which we had to share with our family. And even that, a natural rock formation, is not really appropriate for family viewing.

 

We cannot thankyou enough for our unforgettable stay, one which we have relayed the tales of to all our friends and family. We will be sure to make an accurate and true review to add to the many others on Trip Adviser.

Kind Regards,

The English Girls.

A little lesson in flying-from one elf to another

When you work in Lapland there are limited after-work activities (other than drinking-and at £10 a pint this is an expensive hobby) which do not involve the risk of actual bodily harm.

The Kaunispaa in Saariselka is claimed to be Europe’s longest toboggan run and provides a sufficient “run up” to the ramp at the bottom (which is in fact a ramp to stop stray tobogganers from flying into the main road, ideally situated at the bottom). In the video below my fellow elf and friend, the amazing Laura, demonstrates bravery, sportsmanship, imagination and driving skills to navigate the run in the dark(which is all the time in Lapland) and to finish with a video worthy photo.

 

We believed that she had been watching Father Christmas training with the reindeers and thought she would give the “flying-mallarkey” a try for herself. Some would say she was utilising her initiative in order to give the reindeers a helping hand with a one elf open toboggan.

However, elves are not known for their ability to foresee danger (and before you say it NO we did not assess the ‘Elf and Safety beforehand), and it had not snowed for several days and it had been extremely cold. Such factors make for the 1.2km of toboggan run to become a vertical ice rink, of which Laura was descending at an unhumanly rapid speed, negotiating the hair pins, bridges and trees. She arrived at the bottom before she had left the top, and when she did I was poised ready with the camera on video mode,prepared to capture the first images of a flying elf.

 

I am sure you will appreciate the encouragement I showed for Laura “COME ON LAURA”, as she approaches the kicker at the bottom, I yell. We had half expected her to curb her speed before hitting it, but being the courageous soul that she is, she gained speed instead. Not one of us anticipated what was to happen next, let alone that there was any possibility of there being any form of problem, its TOBOGGANNING for Pete’s sake! Children do it!

With our eyes wide with awe, cameras ready, we watched (what used to be)5ft 4 inches of elf fly through the air with such grace you would be correct in comparing her to a gazelle mid run, for what felt like minutes. And then she landed. Still sitting bolt upright. Her spine concertina-ing as her sledge hit the solid ice. We whooped and cheered and then shouted at her to get out the way before being hit by Nick (also heading for the Ramp-of-death).

I have to admit that I was still laughing when I realised that she was quite badly hurt. Laura, wheezing, squeaking and crying, was visibly damaged. It wasn’t until she stood up (I laughed as she tried to stand up too) that we could see the extent of the situation. As she got back onto her feet it became immediately clear that in that moment of landing she had lost VALUABLE inches of her height and the fear that she had cracked a rib, if not multiple ribs,punctured a lung and /or broken her back. Despite this, I laughed the whole way home, replaying the scene in my head, whilst the boys held her solidly so not to trip and lose another few inches on the way.

By the time we returned to Lumpaloma (our cabin) she could barely be seen at all. When our friends asked what had happened it just seemed to be the sensible thing to show the video. I could never describe the event as accurately as the video.  I suggested that she should be getting medical assistance (regardless of the comedy mileage it was giving us I was still concerned for her life) and that we ought to bring the laptop to show the doctor exactly how she fell. However, the local hospital is 3 hours away and it was decided the best action was for her to not move.

Over a year later and she still suffers from a concerning pain in her lung when she lies flat, a damaged ego and the once in a lifetime experience of self propelled flying.

I have decided to share this video because today was not one of the best and this a fool-proof way of making it much better. Thanks Laura.

‘Le langage est source de malentendus’

              "Language is the source of misunderstandings” Le Petit Prince

So instead I shall use pictures.

                                                       Today we went for a walk.

To where we did not know.

We walked and walked and stopped and talked, and then we walked some more.

Of what was said, and what was done, the details I’m not so sure.

St Anton and Lech

Once I had skiied the majority of what the French Alps had to offer I began to think I was beginning to exhaust the best of Europe’s skiing. Le Trois Vallee hit every mark in terms of variety of slopes, challenging piste and off piste, and the all important apres ski scene. Having three major resorts nestled in the valleys means that there is a resort for literally everyone. So, when I was posted to work in St Anton,Austria, there were to be some serious judgements.

In the last few years I have become increasingly addicted to scaring myself through skiing. If I have a day where I haven’t had a cold sweat then I don’t feel as though I have skiied. Before leaving for Austria I had done my reading into the ski area and I had noted that much of the pistes were listed as reds and blacks, perfect for taking the leap from the intermediate plateau to advanced. There were also mentions of apres ski of a whole different league.

The resort itself is quintessentially alpine with a modern twist to accomodate the younger generation of skiiers. The main road still has a majority of traditional chalets which now house ski shops, burger shops,restaurants and of course,not to forget the Apres Ski, bars.For those of you with a sweet tooth then make sure a visit to the Backerei Ruetz is on your list, proceed to eat all contents behind the counter before heading home. Off the main road you will find the newly built glass Wellness Centre, complete with indoor and outdoor pools, saunas, an aggressive whirlpool (I suggest wearing an all-in-one swimming costume or you will join the bikini bottom chasers) ,cafes and restaurants.Although it is slightly more expensive to be used daily it is still a valuable asset to the resort and perfect for relaxing those calf muscles after a hard day on the mountain. St Anton is conveniently located an hour from Innsbruck and has a central train station with frequent trains to Innsbruck and Zurich.

O.K so lets get onto the more important business of the mountain.  There are two main gondolas in the resort which take you to two different mountains, the Rendl and the Galzig. The Rendl lift was only constructed in the last three years and gets a lot less attention than the Galzig.  On the Rendl side there are a lot less pistes than the Galzig but still plenty to keep yourself busy, the slopes are best in the morning as the main lower piste has a tendency to get icy by the afternoon ( I would suggest swallowing your pride and take the lift back down when the snow gets sketchy). There are a number of nice bars and restaurants at the top of the gondola, alongside Rendl Beach, rows of deckchairs situated above the snow park for the chance to catch some sun and watch the pros kick it. The snowpark is well maintained and has graded kickers and box rails for every ability.

At the weekend part of the runs get used for racing so you are forced to check out some of the other pistes and itinerarys. The itinerarys on the Rendl side tend to consist of waist high moguls which can sometimes be unpleasant without recent snowfall, none the less they are challenging and can be ticked off the piste map. For beginners Rendl can be daunting and perhaps overly ambitious, there is only one run back to resort and this is under graded as a red. There is a nursery slope beside the snowpark with a button lift serving as the only lift.

On one of our many off piste lessons we were taken down the North Face of Rendl, and I would not suggest attempting it without a guide. There is plenty of oppurtunity to descend too low and be completely stranded on rocky ledges with no way up or out. Our guide took us over the R2 run and drops down beneath the avalanche barriers, from here there is an itinerary, but we go beyond the marked off piste, and down to the treeline where we traverse across to ski down between the trees. There was only one point on this route that I grew wary, when the instructor stops the group and warns us “we do not ski anymore, we climb, NO SKI” .

Which is what happened, we scaled down a rocky face with our skis on, listening to the unbearable grinding (of both my teeth and my skis), not bringing myself to look down at the miniature resort below (knowing only how I could be down there in quick time if I looked). If I could make one recommendation it would be to wear a lot of deodorant and no thermals on the off piste lessons, you sweat more than a pig in a wetsuit. By the time you cross back onto the piste you are more than ready for the ever available apres ski at the Mooservert or the Krazy Kangaruh (K.Ks to the locals).

The Galzig has far more runs and has links to other ski areas around St Anton such as Stuben, Sonnenkopf and Lech (the latter two can be reached by bus from Stuben), and so offers a greater variety of terrain. The itineraries, which I mentioned before, are marked off piste and are patrolled and protected from avalanches. They have often been skiied by many before you and so do not offer the powder perfection of unmarked off piste, but still they allow you to work on technique and are a safer alternative too.  The mountains around St Anton are steep and avalanches are a too familiar scene, especially around Stuben and Schindlergrat, so I would approach the off piste with caution.

We made a day excursion to Sonnenkopf, commonly called the “Powderbowl” and we were surprised at what we were to find. Its’ position is awkward and the best transport to the area is by taxi,making it far quieter than the rest of the Lech-St Anton area. The slopes were deserted and we arrived on a white out, making it difficult to differentiate between the piste and the off piste because of the powder. I had to be rescued by fellow skiers after falling off the piste into a ditch. We ventured into the off piste after noticing some children playing on the natural kickers and spent very little time on the piste there on after. The off piste around the tree line offers plenty of powder to perfect your technique and the only problems to be aware of is dropping down below the main lift, meaning a skis-off-sweat-inducing-hike back up.

St Anton is linked up to Lech,by a free bus which runs between Stuben and Zurs, another huge ski area well worth skiing. Above Zurs and Zug are many challenging itineraries and are often less skied than those around St Anton. Once you have dropped into Zug you will notice the Mercedes practice track for the affluent skiers keen on purchasing a 4x4 or two, between a leisurely ski in the morning and champers in the afternoon

.

A great way to get an idea of what Lech has to offer is to ski the White Ring route, which thousands of skiers race in each year. The White Ring will take you to every corner of the Lech ski area but you can do it at which ever pace you like. Some ski guides will reward their skiers with badges and medals for participating but for everyone else, the knowledge of your achievement is merit enough.

Regardless of where you choose to ski, whether it be on or off piste, in the park or in the bars, you are sure to feel as sense of accomplishment by the end of your stay. There is simply no room for complacency in the Arlberg, you either rise to the challenge or you sit and watch from the security of your deck chair. By the end of your day there will be an icy cool Radler (the only word of German I learnt in three months, and it means “shandy”) in the tap and many,many people to enjoy it with. If you like to unwind with an alcoholic beverage or ten whilst simultaneously dancing on a table then you will be sure to love the Mooservirt or the Kangaruh. Or, if you prefer to unwind with a massage and a swim then drop into the Wellness Centre. But, if you are like me then I will find you in the Backerei Ruetz consuming a week’s worth of calories and justifying it by the number of calories burnt through skiing way beyond your so-called-ability.